Don't take it personal

I mentioned before about the mistakes of others in the past influencing my present day. At the heart of the issue, I am a product of the union between two alcoholics. Two alcoholics who were married on April Fools Day no less. I kid not people.

This, however, is not about the both of them. Only my Mother.

I have struggled for quite some time on the issue of whether alcoholism is a true "disease". Having grown up with it in my face every single day, it was hard for me not to say "you choose to do this to yourself and to me" and that "you could control it if you really wanted to".

It wasn't until recently I began to think that maybe it is a disease. Looking back on my childhood with adult eyes, I can clearly see that my mom couldn't help herself. I saw her try, time and again, to quit drinking or try and modify her behavior, only to fail miserably each time for some reason. I was asked not long ago by someone close to me if she still loved my dad. What I believe now is that she is still hurt by what went down between the two of them. That instead of dealing with the pain back then, she drowned it in alcohol, allowing it to fester and grow.

Off and on for five years now, I had been cutting my mom out of my life. No contact at all for up to a year sometimes. Then at other times very limited interaction. She was starting to do to my kids what she did to me growing up. The broken promises, drunken behavior, all the drama that comes along with it. When this is your daily life, you become desensitized. What seems normal to you, would horrify others. I had to stop the contact because only over my dead body were my children going to be as familiar with that way of life as I was.

Then came my impending divorce, and then came the news that she was sick. There are lots of big words to describe what she is going through but simply put, she is suffering seizures that will ultimately cause a fatal stroke. The doctor said it will happen within three years. Not a possibility, it will happen. The years of substance abuse have finally caught up with her.

Even after hearing that, I could not pick up the phone and call her. I had know since I was very young , for a fact, she would kill herself with the abuse. So the news came as no surprise. All of the hurt from the past also stood in the way. Only after I was feeling more alone than ever, with nothing to my name, did I finally call. Even then it was with the intention of asking for whatever help she could offer me. Sounds selfish, I know, but I was asking not only for myself but for the sake of my children as well.

What happened when we met was completely unexpected. I was able to talk and be open and honest. I was also able to be heard. That had never happened before. Forever the caretaker, I have always thought of others feelings before mine, never wanting to offend or hurt, no matter what the cost to myself. A true symptom of children of alcoholics. I don't know if it was the divorce breaking down barriers, or if it was the diminishing time I know we have together, whatever it was it opened up a line of communication that was healing.

I wish I could say it was the happy ending that all of us neglected kids wish for, but it wasn't. Even in my darkest hour of need, she still couldn't help herself. The selfish alcoholic personality came shining through no matter how hard she tried. She takes great offense to any talk about my childhood not being good. In her opinion, I was spoiled and things weren't that bad. She truly believes this because she thinks she did the best she could have done while raising me, and she very well may have. Her best only going so far though. There are moments of clarity, when memories are to heavy to be denied, and she concedes that bad choices were made.

Whether it's a disease or not, alcoholism is a driving, destructive force that leaves many victims in its wake. I have finally realized that mom is just not able to love me the way I need her too because of this, not out of malice, and that's okay. It sucks, but it's okay. I am now able to say to the hurt child that resides in me that it's not your fault. I was never the cause or cure to the disease. I was/am, a victim of it.

I have accepted what I cannot change and have found forgiveness to be very liberating. When memories come back, I see them in a new light. I don't take it personal anymore that I didn't have the idyllic childhood, it made me who I am today, and that is something I can be proud of. The hurt child is finally growing up.


The forgotten girl
when left to her own devices
Became the forgotten woman
lost in life's choices

A Season of Change

One person can experience many changes throughout their lifetime. Some of them are subtle. Some are earth shattering, soul shaking and mind bending. One thing that I have learned this past summer is that one change in your life can get the ball rolling for many more.

Going through a long time in coming divorce has set in motion a change of not only who I am, but how I look at the world around me. Closing that chapter in my life has allowed me to open the door, or rather, open my eyes to all the possibilities that surround me.

Divorce sucks. Plain and simple. Especially when children are involved. It's never easy, but when something isn't right for you, it's a painful journey you must take. For me it won't be easy, but it will be better. This experience has forced (yes, forced) me to be self reflective, taking a long hard look at who and what I am.

Before, asking for help never came easily for me. In fact, I'd rather have done many other things, like eat glass, than ask for help. Now however, I ring the alarm and ask with no-shame-in-my-game for assistance. To my surprise I actually get what I ask for from many.

Before, I had an "ostrich with it's head in the sand" approach when it came to problems. Choosing not to deal with anything or letting others make the decisions for me. Now that I've put my big girl panties on and have claimed my life as my own, I face issues head on. Ready to deal with what ever comes my way. No matter how much I don't like it.

Going back further, this experience has made me take a look at how I became who I am today. Examining the childhood that formed the woman writing this. How the mistakes of others had a lasting emotional effect, carrying into present day decisions. More on that some other time though.

I re-introduce myself as a changed woman. Mother of three. Aspiring writer. Soon to be divorcee. Operator of my very own crazy train.

Buried for some time
under another's will
slowly wilting away
forever to be quiet until

Called upon in desperation
after the final slight
Breaking out of the silence
at last ready for a fight

Like an old friend's return
met with an open heart
old habits re established
as if never were apart

Always there for me
all I had to do was ask
She steps into the lead
her mind set on the task

She never takes blame
for what others lack
Move on out of the way
because the Bitch is back